Post apocalyptic clothing fashions range from the bizarre to the asinine, and I would like to examine the different styles along with a little sarcastic color commentary.
I am going to discuss the clothing styles of the post apocalyptic movie genre with the purpose of tying it in to the practical reality of actual post apocalyptic survival.
Keep in mind, I just got home from a bar and saw a couple of genetic-dead-ends dressed like they were straight out of Resident Evil that were the the inspiration for this post. So here goes my vaguely coherent analysis of post apocalyptic clothing in movies and then ultimately in reality.
Post Apocalyptic Clothing Styles: Served with a Side of Reality
First and foremost, I know that every asshole and their dad thinks that when SHTF they are going to be riding around on a motorcycle wearing football pads, sporting a red Mohawk like this retard in the famous post apocalyptic film Mad Max 2: Road Warrior.
You see, I have a different take on post apocalyptic survival. I think it is more important to not get randomly sniped in your head because you look like a threat or even worse, unstable.
I get the whole obsession with cool military surplus gear, I have a woodland camo Alice pack and I will admit it. But what really grinds my gears about that particular post apocalyptic clothing style is that it makes you more of a target than necessary.
Let me explain, if you are walking up my property, even with Jesus-like intentions, and you are sporting some super tactical get up with a red Mohawk, my first reaction is going to be to blast you from a distance.
A. You look like a serious threat to my family even if you aren’t.
B. You are a walking advertisement that you have nice gear that could be useful ( I probably would just like you more, but my point is most people will not).
This is why when you are choosing post apocalyptic clothing for your apocalypse survival kit, you should really understand that camouflage doesn’t make you invisible and conspicuous survival gear makes you a target.
Also, disregard everything you ever saw in every movie that you love. Post apocalyptic clothing in movies is designed to achieve a look. Here is a nice little chart I have made of several real jobs and their Hollywood representation.
|Hollywood Pirate||Real Pirate|
|Hollywood Cops||Real Cops|
|Hollywood Drug Dealer||Real Drug Dealer|
|Hollywood President||Real President|
Well I guess you could disregard that last one…
Anyway, you get the point, lets get back to post apocalyptic clothing.
To sum it up:
In the Hollywood post apocalyptic fashion world it is always fashion over function. They have the job of creating a feeling in the audience by displaying some sort of powerful visual.
It isn’t reality and you know that, seriously just look at this bitch.
I’m sure a lot of you will disagree with me and I encourage you to leave a comment if you do. However I have to think that post apocalyptic survival is about a lot more than how amazing your gear is. It is about human psychology. You want clothing that will actually provide you some tangible benefit and not shock or frighten other people.
You will be dealing with regular people that probably weren’t reading postapocalypticsurvival.com or seriously (maybe even humorously) developing skills to survive the breakdown of society.
Real Practical Post Apocalyptic Clothing vs. Hollywood.
Most people will be completely unprepared if the SHTF my friend, so if they see you as more prepared they could consider you a threat or see you as potential prey.
You assuming that you are invisible with your tactical camo gear isn’t going to stop Mr. Johnson the farmer from putting a .308 in your skull from 500 yards before you even realize you are on his land.
Do I think camo and tactical gear are useless? Hell no, but like everything else there is a time and a place. I am less likely to pop a long distance cap from my window in a guy who is wearing a flannel lumberjack short even though he might be a bigger threat.
Without further ado however, I will end my characteristically typical rant that never allows me to get to the meat of the post. Here are all of the categories of post apocalyptic clothing and my opinion of them.
For lack of a better term, the first post apocalyptic clothing category is the asshole. This is the guy who looks like he randomly found equipment that is pointless and put it all on because he watched mad max and he’s so happy society crumbled so he could flaunt this shitty style.
This style comes primarily from post apocalyptic movies, but you can be damn sure retards will dress like this if they wake up and there is no government. Its like the chance of a lifetime for the goth kids from high school to fit in.
Too bad you still won’t be fitting in junior.
It doesn’t matter to this type that their gear serves no functional purpose, they want the Mad Max look so bad that they will strap on random sports gear and cut their hair into some asinine style. If I see you sporting some stupid punk haircut dressed like a cluster fuck, I am going to assume you are one of the bad guys from Road Warrior and blast you.
“Emo” haircuts better be the first thing to go extinct when society collapses. If you want to rebel against society, don’t do it with your haircut you fucking pussy.
It’s not because they look “scary” and rebellious it’s because I want to take people like that out of the human genome. Society in a post apocalyptic world will be bad enough. We don’t need a bunch of shit eating, wrist cutting, makeup-wearing, emotional-wrecks sporting dyke haircuts to be reproducing and making it even shittier.
If you were a walking billboard for your dislike of society and authority before the apocalypse, what the fuck am I supposed to expect from you after society has collapsed? At least keep your contempt for modern society and the government inconspicuous like the rest of us, or find a way to display it that doesn’t make you look like a fucking three ring circus act.
Next on my list of post apocalyptic clothing styles is the “tacticool” post apocalyptic soldier wannabe’s. This is the type of person who will be running around in their air-soft gear, their only combat experience is call of duty on Xbox, but they will appear threatening through a rifle scope.
Tacticool!!! Fuck Yeah!
If it is just one of them I might try to have a conversation, but if they are with their air-soft buddies or Xbox live friends, my wife and I are picking them off at 500 yards just to be safe. Who knows, they could be modding or have hacks and I am not taking any chances. You could be a higher level than me, and that is unacceptable.
I am going to do something I would almost never do right now, because I have to. I am going to repost the same image from before with a different meme slogan. Sue me.
I understand you might be scared and think military and paintball gear is really cool because you can blend in. Having some camo gear for hunting and maybe even recon is smart. Having a wardrobe of tactical camo and full black outfits that you plan to wear every day could be suicidal.
A big aspect of post apocalyptic survival is blending in and not making yourself a target. Camouflage is not always the best way to “blend in”. I urge you to keep that in mind when you are preparing your kit for after the apocalypse. It is really tempting to just get the most tactical oriented gear possible and try to be the terminator.
Post apocalyptic gear doesn’t make you the terminator. Being a robot that comes back from the future makes you the terminator. Don’t forget that post apocalyptic clothing is not about looking cool, it is about surviving. I just hope you realize that just like in modern society, you can dress however you want and people can and will judge you for it. Which leads us right into our next category of ridiculousness.
The next post apocalypse clothing trend I ran into while researching post apocalyptic clothing was actually “post apocalyptic fashion” as in models and catwalks. Inspired by the post apocalyptic movie genre, designers have started to create post apocalyptic clothing lines. Yea, they made cowboys gay and now they have begun to try to make the post apocalyptic genre gay.
Not on my red blooded, gun toting, Constantina-wire-eating, napalm pissing American watch they won’t.
Don’t get me wrong, I am as pure a libertarian as the good Dr. Ron Paul, but apocalyptic fashion on runways makes a mockery of the severity of what we could potentially be facing. Ahh, who really gives a shit I am just drunk and tired of the softening of America.
Thank God I get emails from so many of you out there who operate on the same wave length as me and believe that being a man requires a certain rugged individualistic toughness that is increasingly absent in modern society.
Shit, they don’t even keep scores in kids sports now what kind of shit is that. How can you expect a kid to grow up and be productive and hungry for success in society when he grows up thinking everyone gets a trophy and there are no losers? Winners don’t exist without losers.
I have beaten ass, and got my ass beaten in my younger days so many times that a modern liberal psychologist would probably think I was damaged goods. But I learned from it, I learned that there will be people bigger, faster, stronger, smarter and we are not all equal except under the law (supposedly).
This constructed a model in my mind that enabled me to overcome anyone, anything or any obstacle by outsmarting or being more imaginative than my competition. This was survival of the fittest to me and it was in line with Darwin’s theory of the origin of species that my teachers crammed into my head.
Ironically, I found it to be odd that the very people who instilled this voracious appetite for dog-eat-dog scientific analysis of how the world worked, were so vehement in their quest to relinquish the Christian teachings I had learned at home. When I was politically inspired by their natural message of “survival of the fittest” in a social Darwinist sense, and explained my views based on natural law, it became incorrect. Their blatantly liberal political, inconsistent framework contradicted itself so glaringly that perhaps this is what led me to major in political science and get involved in politics?
That last paragraph shitted on all grammar education I have ever received, but on the bright side it reminded me of three things:
- This post is probably chock-full of spelling and grammar mistakes that I am not going to correct before I post this.
- I am about as far off topic right now as the U.S. Government is off of a balanced budget.
- I am hammered.
So watch how I cleverly re-weave this eloquent transition.
(We are talking about post apocalyptic clothing, specifically fashion models on the runway and other shit that pisses me off.)
This is the style you see hitting the runways with men who look like women and women who look like little boys donning this super “cool” new trend to dress like its the end of the world. If you can look at this picture without wanting to beat this guy mercilessly, you should probably get off my website. You don’t belong here, you are among men.
I don’t even want to talk about this anymore. It makes me wanna throw up, then kill a large animal, field strip and consume it.
So lets try another post apocalyptic clothing style and see if I can keep my blood from boiling.
This post apocalyptic movie clothing style is the desert wastelander look. Dirty trench coat, finger tip gloves, basically trying to look as close to homeless as possible. Shit, you probably will be standing around some oil drum barrel fire warming your hands, so I guess when in Rome…
This style is pretty functional and practical though. No crazy random shit hanging off of you. This is the first one in our lovely post apocalyptic clothing list that doesn’t really press any buttons with me. This is really what people will probably wind up dressing like.
But if you really wonder what post apocalyptic survivors will look like, just spend a week in Appalachia.
These fuckers are tough as nails and are the closest thing in modern American society to post apocalyptic society. People make fun of em’, but I don’t.
I know they will probably be the last ones left, those rugged mountain bastards.
I spend a lot of time primitive camping in the Appalachian mountains and I am amazed by these people. Especially when I have driven miles off road through trails and down streams to set up a camp way out from society only to realize up the mountain near me there is a full house built out of scraps.
Everybody in the house has a beard to their knees, even the women and children. I don’t fuck with these people and to be honest I am in awe of them.
Ok I guess I am at the point where I should wrap things up, I don’t even think I read posts this long so I have no idea why I write them, but if you have read this whole thing I am impressed. This is probably more of a personal grumbling than anything else, but I hope you get some insight into where I am coming from in this post. For all I know, I will read this shit tomorrow and be pissed I posted it. So to the bottom line:
People will probably wear post apocalyptic clothing like this:
Functional, warm clothing that works and doesn’t look to flashy or too tactical. When selecting your post apocalyptic gear don’t go overboard on the tactical, think practical tactical and how you can best conceal your weapons and gear without looking too prepared.
In summary, get the proper post apocalyptic clothing and don’t be this guy:
Post apocalyptic survival fans found this searching for:
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- emo meme
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